I’ve been struggling in the last few weeks to engage with social media – whether it’s this blog, Twitter or posting on Facebook. I’ve tended to be a lurker – watching, absorbing and taking it all in, rather than contributing myself. Lately I’ve also taken the opportunity to reflect on why this has happened.
I guess that I’ve found it difficult to know what to say. I don’t want this to become a post about how I’ve got nothing to post (try following that logic!), but more of an expression of the feeling of having lost my voice. I have become increasingly reluctant to get involved, to tweet and post my thoughts and ideas. Perhaps it’s a loss of confidence in what I have to offer; especially when my PLN is filled with a number of deep thinkers, vocal advocates or those with strong opinions. I guess that I tend to retreat within my own world, in the same way that you might tend to quieten down at a dinner party full of loud and opinionated guests. After all, what else is there to say that someone else hasn’t said already? Who wants to know the relatively mundane details of my working day?
Another factor I suppose is a lack of confidence in my audience, if you could call it that. Who cares what I have to say? Who’s even listening anyway? Lately I’ve found Twitter to be like shouting in a noisy crowd, as there’s so many competing voices all speaking at once it’s hard to believe that anyone would pay attention to my little comments. So much of the time questions and comments that I’ve tweeted have disappeared without trace, it’s hard to believe anyone is actually listening.
Paradoxically, I’ve also become more worried about who IS paying attention to what I say. Since becoming employed full-time (and with more mouths to feed on my lone income), I suppose that I’ve become more conservative in what I say and how I say it, so that my meaning isn’t misconstrued. I love my job and my school, and I don’t want anything I say to jeopardise that. I realise that this may well be unfounded, but it’s hard to get away from that niggling fear all the same.
Whatever the reasons, I also feel that I want my voice back. I want to contribute and share my thoughts, lesson ideas and opinions, but I don’t really know how to get it back. I want my confidence back!